Don’t worry; I post Instagram pictures, too. I’m a trailblazer…
Why am I here, you ask? Not in the existential sense (that New Age-y nonsense will come later), but why am I writing to the interwebs? I’ve pondered this question repeatedly, with the concomitant acknowledgement that I do so largely out of fear. The tired, one-sided internal dialogue goes a little something like this:
I’m not an expert on anything … not even myself. No one will care about what I have to say. Or, worse, they’ll think I’m self-absorbed, or not a good person in some way or another, or boring, or that I have shoddy grammar. Also, I don’t know how to decoupage. And I consider puffy paints to be current. I’m not paleo or gluten-free and my kids aren’t free-range and I haven’t pinned anything useful to my underutilized boards in weeks…
ETC. ETC. ETC.
I’m going to proceed anyway, because writing is what I’ve loved to do since I was a child. It’s an honest and invaluable outlet for me, particularly during the times that I’ve struggled to stay connected to life. I reached a threshold recently, after 2+ decades of depression, two marriages, two kids, (two beagles), too many medications and natural remedies to recall … where I decided I must turn this pain into something productive.
Despite the abundant blessings and joys in my life, profound sadness has been my co-pilot since puberty … a dull ache that escalates into white-hot sorrow with or without warning. I’ve decided to stop fighting against this force quite so much—wringing hands, beating self up, lamenting inability to find ‘cure’—and instead paddle with the current. This doesn’t mean that I’ve given up; rather, I’m repurposing depression more on my terms. (I think? I hope.)
So. My niche is Gloom … and struggle, progress, and gratitude. This is about starting from where I am, today. My objective is to be authentic and honest; to make (slightly sour) lemonade out of bruised lemons. I’m turning my pain into purpose, ‘cause that’s an American luxury! I have some business ideas that are beginning to materialize, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to use a blogging platform without depression becoming a commodity in some less-than-genuine way. I want to connect with others who are struggling. We are all struggling in some capacity, aren’t we?
Parting Disclaimer: This is a serving of my life, but not the whole enchilada. I want to be realistic about what I can accomplish—particularly during a depressive episode—without stagnating in excuses. Accountability is key, and having an audience (even a small or … imagined one) furthers my incentive to keep on keeping on.
Thanks for reading.
“If you live through defeat, you’re not defeated. If you are beaten but acquire wisdom, you have won. Lose yourself to improve yourself. Only when we shed all self-definition do we find who we really are.”